Last year, on the ten year anniversary of backpacking through Europe, I was sitting on the couch, at home, with my newborn child. As I sat there, I thought about how that version of me looks nothing like this version of me. The version of me that boarded a ferry in southern Greece to travel through the night to southern Italy looks a lot different than the woman in gym shorts, holding a baby on the couch, still waiting for her body to heal.
And here's what's true: neither of those versions of myself are worth more or less than the other. The woman heating up leftovers is worth no less than the woman dining at sunset in a village that took a passport to get to. We are the same person in different places. Both are integral parts of who I am.
I share this for anyone who feels like the current version of themselves is less than another version. Maybe you used to travel a lot more than you do now and you're desperate to get back out there. Maybe you used to be in love with someone and you're no longer speaking and you can't help but wonder, "was I more charismatic or beautiful back then? Did I lose it?"
You didn't lose it. You're still beautiful. You're still worthy of love and a meaningful life, no matter what has changed. People change. Seasons change. Relationships change. But you are still you. You are not worth any less than your former self. Saying goodbye to a quote-on-quote "adventurous" life doesn't mean you're saying goodbye to yourself as a whole. Leaving behind a relationship or a place you used to love doesn't mean you're leaving love behind.
Whoever you are on this day, right here, right now, is more than enough to continue living a beautiful, meaningful life. You don't have to wait any longer.There are some things you can only learn by traveling the world and this is also true: there are also some things you can only learn by staying in the same place for a decade. Traveling far away can be incredibly valuable but it doesn't mean it's the only way to learn.
It is definitely easier to get unstuck when you're able to go somewhere near and start something new, but it's not the only way. You are allowed to come alive right here, however that looks. Even when the days are blending together.
You may not be able to break out of the city like you want to, but perhaps you can still break out of old ways of seeing yourself. You can be curious and learn from who you are, right now, in this space.
There are times in life where leaving is the best thing you can do. And there are times where staying in a seemingly boring and uninteresting space can shape you. It's not the same for every person and every situation but what matters at the end of it all is: you don't have to shame yourself for feeling like you're stuck. You don't have to fear that there's no hope for who you are becoming because the present moment isn't what you hoped it would be. – Morgan Harper Nichols (original post here)
My favorite modern-day poet/artist, Morgan Harper Nichols shared the most inspiring post on her Instagram a few weeks ago (full caption above). It was a beautiful reminder that we need to embrace and honor the season of life we are in. As we returned back to our home in the city after an extended hiatus, it made me realize that so much about what I have been missing, I had been missing since BEFORE COVID, and really began with mamahood, or even really, pregnancy. I have felt disconnected from my constructed sense of self. I always think of myself as an adventurous, ambitious, optimistic, free-spirited traveling soul. In pregnancy, I felt very far from those things. In general, I didn’t feel like myself and I hated it (and it had nothing to do with my body image either! Pure, hormonally-induced depression). Post-pregnancy- I felt like myself again- but I also had no time to be me outside of being a mama. Not to mention the worry that comes with becoming a parent. I’ve loved being this little dude’s mom, and at some points, I have been very happy to get “lost in motherhood”. And that is 100% okay. I want to honor the season of life I am currently in– because really this time is precious and is already flying by. It is totally fine to not be jet setting around or crushing it in my career right now. Sometimes that’s hard to process. But I am a woman outside of being a mother and I don’t want to lose sight of that either.
We had been staying in Boulder for the past two weeks, and we didn’t want to be too far from the little man, so that narrowed down our search for night away. We debated hotels, spas, the works. But in the end we wanted to be close to nature, away from humans, someplace cozy, and someplace to take a good soak (or a “tubby” as Conor calls it! lol). We landed on an AirBnb- The Fall River Cabins. It was exactly what we were looking for. It was super cozy, rustic, and gave us access to an incredible hiking trail on the premises that lead into Rocky Mountain National Park.
This creek ran right behind our cabin. Just lovely!.'
Now my little bub is over 1 year old. I am ready to make time for more ME. Our little mountain getaway was the perfect remedy. I could’ve used a full weekend, I’ll be honest. But baby steps :) one night was hard enough (for this mama and James’s grandparents)!
My brain needed the time away to have a moment to regroup. The time away gave my mind space to breathe, pause, take stock, and recalibrate.
The time in nature (without worrying about bub) helped me feel like myself. It got me into my body and out of my head. It reminded me how strong I actually am.
Time alone with Conor gave us time to plot out our next moves as a family. It helped us align on what we wanted, and even more specifically, what I wanted to do next. Not to mention, much needed alone time!
I was able to walk away with an actual plan on how I wanted to go about accomplishing what I wanted. (Sure, can most people do that without getting away? Yes. Is it really hard to carve that space with a little bub hanging around all of the time? Also, yes.)
I was able to sleep. Fully. Deeply. With so much space around me. And completely uninterrupted. God bless.
I was able to come back to my lil man restored and ready to give him my full attention.
And while I have enjoyed every day since this little love was born–now I’m excited again about the future. And I feel like me again. The me that can do anything she puts her mind to. And that feels like the best! <3 -AHS
Taking a good tubby, helps me to reset and let my mind rest. Bonus points for fire gazing simultaneously.
Nothing like starting the morning with a coffee + soak!
